(and What You Can Do Instead)
There’s a common misconception that removing a child’s preferred toy (withholding) will encourage them to interact with others or focus on different activities. In reality, this approach can be counterproductive, especially for autistic children or children with sensory processing differences. Here’s what you can do instead of withholding toys to foster engagement, understanding, and positive connections.
The Problem with Withholding Toys
When a child is deeply engaged with a toy—whether it’s for sensory input, comfort, or play—it’s essential to understand that the toy serves a purpose. Withholding toys and preferred items abruptly can lead to distress, frustration, and a breakdown in trust. For children with sensory processing challenges or those who are on the autism spectrum, toys can provide important sensory input, emotional comfort, or proprioceptive feedback (the body’s sense of movement and position). Simply removing the toy isn’t likely to help the child engage with you or the environment—it may actually make things worse.
What you might hear: “If you take their favorite toy away, they’ll engage with you.”
What I say: Not unless it’s a safety issue!
Instead, there are more compassionate and effective ways to redirect a child’s attention, introduce new activities, and promote engagement. Let’s explore a few alternative approaches to withholding toys that focus on understanding the child’s needs.
1. Offer Activities with Similar Sensory Input
If the child’s favorite toy is providing specific sensory input—like visual stimulation, tactile sensations, or proprioceptive feedback—offer activities that mimic these sensory experiences. For example:
- Visual Sensory Input: You can introduce colorful or light-up toys, or sensory bottles filled with glitter and liquid that catch the light in a similar way.
- Tactile Sensory Input: Consider activities like playdough, textured fabrics, or even sensory bins filled with rice or sand.
- Proprioceptive Input: If the toy provides calming pressure or a grounding effect, offer activities that include deep pressure, like a weighted blanket, or heavy work activities (e.g., pushing a cart, carrying heavy objects).
Matching the sensory experience of the toy can help the child transition to a new activity without feeling deprived of their sensory needs.
2. Acknowledge the Comfort Function of the Toy
For some children, a preferred item is much more than just a plaything—it’s a source of comfort. It may provide emotional reassurance or be a way for the child to self-regulate. Recognizing this and honoring their need for comfort can go a long way in fostering trust.
One way to introduce alternatives is through heavy work or deep pressure activities, which can serve as an outlet for sensory regulation. This can include things like:
- Jumping on a trampoline
- Pushing a large object across the floor
- Engaging in activities that involve lifting or pressing down
These activities can help meet the child’s need for proprioceptive input while allowing them to feel safe and grounded.
3. Observe What the Child Likes About the Toy
Instead of just removing the toy, take a moment to observe what the child enjoys about it. Is it the texture, the color, the sound, or the way it moves? By understanding the specific qualities of the toy that attract the child, you can find other activities or objects that offer the same appeal.
For instance, if the child enjoys the texture of a toy, you might introduce a similar textured object. If they’re drawn to a toy’s repetitive motion, consider introducing toys that involve movement, like a spinner or rolling ball.
4. Give the Toy “A Rest” and Redirect
Sometimes, rather than taking the toy away completely, you can introduce a fun, lighthearted way to encourage the child to take a break from it. You could say something like:
- “The ____ is tired! It’s going to take a nap now!”
- Or, “Look, the toy is sleeping! We have to let it rest for a bit.”
This helps to remove the toy without the child feeling that it’s been taken away. You could even create a cozy spot where the toy “sleeps,” and then gently redirect the child to another activity with minimal pressure.
5. Designate a Safe Space for the Toy
Another strategy is to create a designated space where the toy can be placed during play sessions, a “safe zone” where the child knows they can return to it later. This helps build trust and reassures the child that the toy isn’t gone for good. The key is to ensure the child feels they can retrieve the toy later, allowing them to focus on new activities in the meantime.
For example, you could say:
- “Let’s let the toy stay here for now, but we can come back and play with it again in a little while.”
6. Engage in Parallel Play and Reduce Demands
Parallel play, where you engage in an activity next to the child without forcing them to interact, can be a powerful tool. You can use it to create a low-pressure environment where the child feels safe to explore and engage at their own pace.
- Sit beside the child and play with your own toy or activity.
- Gradually introduce ways that they can join you without taking away their control.
This reduces pressure and creates opportunities for natural, spontaneous engagement.
7. Simply Give Them a Moment
Sometimes, all a child needs is a little extra time to hold on to their toy. If they are seeking comfort or sensory input, it’s perfectly okay to give them a few moments to enjoy the toy before gently introducing a new activity.
Don’t rush the process. Allowing them a moment of comfort can help foster a sense of security and trust.
Encourage Engagement & Safety
It’s important to remember that a child’s attachment to a toy is not a sign of stubbornness, but often a reflection of their sensory and emotional needs. Instead of withholding the toy in an effort to encourage engagement, it’s much more effective to understand why the child is drawn to it, and offer alternatives or adjustments that still meet those needs. Whether it’s through sensory input, comfort, or offering a safe space for the toy, there are many ways to encourage engagement without causing distress.